Welcome to the Political Big Brother House

By Southwest Nationalist. And, welcome to the Political Big Brother house! *applause* *crowd shrieks* What a great set of guests we’ve got for you this year, it’s going to be an exciting series.

First up we’ve narrowly escaped war criminal Tony Blair, flanked by four armed police guards you’re paying for. Best not go dipping into his cornflakes eh? We’d ask why you came to the Political Big Brother house, but we’d have to listen to you again, something most of Britain worked out was a bad idea years back.

Now Ed….Ed who? Ahh that Ed. Keep your head down Ed, maybe the viewers won’t notice you and you’ll not get evicted in the first episode. Inconspicuous Ed, right bundle of fun you’ll turn out to be, Mr Bean without the laughter.

Can we have a round of applause for Nick Clegg please!

*Nick enters the Big Brother house, held on a dog leash, escorted by a muscular, oiled man clad only in a thong and who has a Tory party emblem tattooed on his buttocks*

Remember it’s a no smoking house, no matches allowed. Probably for the best, Political Big Brother frowns on the burning of the house pot plants. Still, you’ve got your Tory master to keep you under control, and what a muscular liberal he is folks!

Next up we’ve Gordon – not the heroic one from computer games, but the tubby one from politics. That’s right, it’s Gordon Brown, never won a vote but that didn’t stop him from holding high office. No selling off the house cutlery Gordy, it’s not even real gold plate, honest.

Now – and what a charmer – all the way from Libya, we bring you Muammar Gaddafi. Bombs and bullets couldn’t keep him away, we found him claiming asylum in Birmingham and working in the Basra BBQ and Grill on New Street.

A nice reunion for you Tone and Daffy, no kissing when the lights are out!

Now, we need a lady, and what a stunner we have for you. That’s not sexist, don’t be suing now.

Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together for Harriet Harman. Remember that reverse discrimination bill Harriet? Well, Political Big Brother will be reverse discriminating against you on the basis of race when it comes to challenges because our next two housemates tick all the minority boxes.

Without further ado, please put your hands together for token minority contestants, Baroness Warsi and Diane Abbott. Remember, Islamophobia is not acceptable at the dinner table, and if you vote Sayeeda or Diane off the show it will be because of institutional racism and you’ll be arrested.

*some booing from the crowd, Trevor Phillips and some secret police in long leather coats and jackboots can be seen arresting the hecklers*

Finally, Political Big Brother wouldn’t be complete without call me Dave Cameron – come on in Dave!

He’s a bit of a bugger is our Dave, he’ll say anything to win. Don’t believe him when he asks for the extra sausage today and promises the house a referendum on whether you’ll get two sausages tomorrow.

Immigration to the house will increase, expect a few mystery guests as Political Big Brother gets underway!

Now, it’s time for an advert break. Political Big Brother is sponsored by the EU – proudly supporting generations of politicians who will ruin your country and sell you out to a heartless superstate.

Don’t go anywhere folks, after the break we’ll be back with incisive commentary on events in Political Big Brother by our distinguished panel of Pete Tatchell, some artist from Bradford nobody has heard of but who does make up our minority quota, and ex model Jordan. Question Time eat your heart out!

Stay tuned, no boozing yourself into oblivion during the commercials, although we can understand why politics in modern Britain might well drive you to drink.

*camera fades and cuts to advertisement break*