The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow’s nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; “Rum, sodomy and the lash”; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, “Hello Sailor”. All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new “non-specific” flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays “In the Navy” by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England’s south coast.
The Deputy Prime Minister said, “While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels.” His final words were: “Britannia waives the rules!”
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Why do I get the feeling that this may be a joke, when it is probably true.
Satire?…….or the shape of things (PC) to come, and very soon.
The only thing I find lacking any credibility in this article is “the next five ships”…….wont that leave the Serpentine devoid of craft?
(Party Member) The devavastating news from Bae systems regarding major cut backs in shipbuilding in Britain is typical of the mismanagement of our long-suffering country by the LibLabCon. Just one appalling fact is that, after hundreds of years, we will no longer be able to build ships in Portsmouth. I hope people in the area, who have a long history of voting for the LibLabCon, ruefully consider that the Brit Dems would be expanding production there with probably 15,000 EXTRA JOBS created by us building coastal defence craft as well as new merchant ships to transport the world’s cargo as in our illustrious mercantile past!
(Party Member) In February last year the Government awarded the contract to build four brand new British Military super tankers for the Royal Fleet Auxiliary to a South Korean shipyard at a cost of £450 Million! Shipyard workers in Portsmouth and Scotland, JOIN US TODAY.
I HOPE readers enjoy the above , older article that was written ‘ tongue in cheek’ about how our Governments treat the Nation’s Navy and indeed general Defense. TODAY , it has been revealed that B.A.E. SYSTEMS is planning to cut almost 2,000 JOBS in Military ,Maritime and Intelligence Services. The Pain of this includes DISASTER for the Workers and their Families, who work at Warton and Salmesbury Plants in Lancashire , where parts for the Eurofighter are made. Also JOB CUTS regarding Ship building for our Navy in Portsmouth. The BRITISH DEMOCRATIC PARTY EXTEND OUR DEEPEST SYMPATHY and would like to point out that our Party’s Economic and Social Policies would have produced the Headline ‘ B.A.E. TO CREATE 100,000 NEW JOBS AS BRITAIN EXTENDS IT’S NAVY , BUILDS IT’S OWN AIRFORCE PLANES AND MUCH MORE BESIDES.
Britain needs small surface craft to Patrol our Coastal waters. The need to stop the flood of Immigrants gaining a foothold on our land has never been greater. If we had any influence on this , THERE REALLY WOULD BE A NORTHERN POWERHOUSE !