The Euro Crisis Solved with Coconuts

By William Spearshake. There is an old joke which goes like this. Two international bankers were shipwrecked on a desert island where they had no resources but coconuts. A year later, they sailed into Monte Carlo yacht club in a huge luxury cruiser. Naturally, they were asked how they had managed to escape from the desert island in such a spectacular fashion.

“Very simple,” replied one of the bankers. “We had a coconut. I sold it to my colleague with 10 per cent stock transfer tax added, and he then sold it back to me with another 10% stock transfer tax added, and I then sold it back to him with another 10 per cent added, and he sold it back to me with another 10 per cent added, and I sold it back to him, and he sold it back to me… after a year had gone by, the coconut had increased in value to twenty million pounds, so we bought a luxury yacht and here we are!”

When this was merely a silly joke, I found it quite funny. The problem is, it is no longer a silly joke, it is a very serious joke indeed – because it is the basis of the rescue plans being drawn up by the leaders of the European Union to cure its galloping financial crisis.

Having just witnessed the press conference given in the evening of Thursday 21st July in which, following many hours of discussions a Cunning Plan worthy of Baldric has been drawn up to combat the sheer toxicity of the Greek national debt and prevent the financial collapse of other financially toxic countries from infecting the rest of Europe, I for one am left more worried about our future than I was before.

Particularly, I am worried because – thanks to all those liberal-minded people who kept mouthing-off that “Britain must have a place in Europe” and “The European Union is the answer to Britain’s insularity and xenophobia” and “Britain cannot survive financially unless we join Europe” and so-on – we now have a level of dependency on Europe that no British leader since William the Conqueror would have tolerated in their wildest dreams.

As I listened to the serious-faced dignitaries outlining their master plan, I grew progressively more worried that our own national survival depends upon this gang of muppets, not one of whom have I ever been asked to vote for!

First, Herman Van Rompuy spoke. Who, you may ask? He is the current dictator of Europe, and I am completely justified in referring to him this way, because his name has never appeared on any polling slip in Britain. He has something in common with that other famous European Dictator, Adolf Hitler, inasmuch as when the going got too tough for their minds, they both ended up moving non-existent and already-defeated forces around on the map waiting for these to come to their rescue and reverse their impending defeat.

If you think this is an unfair comment on Van Rompuy, consider his assessment of the solution to the international financial crisis. A summation of the main points are that “a solid fire-wall” is to be built around European centres of financial disaster. No specific details of this “fire wall” were forthcoming. He then spoke learnedly about having to “improve the Eurozone government’s abilities to handle such a crisis.” My God! Why has nobody else said this? (Perhaps because – to quote Basil Fawlty – it’s the bleedin’ obvious.) Again, no specific details of how this should be accomplished were suggested.

Next, and to my mind rather reminiscent of the Adolf  Hitler approach to economics – where the negative effects of international credit rating agencies on weak European economies may become a problem (as they threaten to be at the moment for the United States and for Britain), his solution is that the rules governing credit rating agencies will be changed so that “over reliance on external credit ratings” will be reduced. Perhaps I am the only person who finds this slightly sinister? Certainly, it is lowering the bar rather than improving the jump.

Finally, his piece de resistance was delivered, astonishingly without anyone laughing. The ultimate way to cure all Europe’s critical financial problems is, he stated, to “improve financial crisis management.” Well, we can all sleep soundly in our beds knowing that such a magnificent mind is running our lives, welfare and destinies now, can’t we? After all, we wanted to be part of Europe, didn’t we? No? Well, that’s why there has never been a referendum.

My confidence in the European bigwigs to avert disaster was not boosted in the slightest by the speech of José Manuel Barroso, President of the European Commission, who spoke next. He grandly announced that during the emergency discussions, at last “politics and markets are coming together” and that a “credible package” of reforms has been agreed upon.

These apparently consist of an “improved Greek financial package” with “reduced interest” (in plain English, this sounds like an increased free gift to be paid for by everyone else including us). Also included in the “credible package” is “private sector involvement” which the leaders are “now crystal clear on applying to the Greek economy”. (In the real world, it is inconceivable that any private sector involvement will not want a return on their investment based on whatever the current market percentage rate may be – for a private sector business, to do otherwise is to go bust.)

The “credible package” also includes “scope for flexibility,” “lowering rates”, “intervention on secondary markets” and being “in a position to intervene”. In other words, increasing the level of official interference in the financial problems, a policy which has already proved to make matters even worse. “Ensuring banking liquidity” was mentioned – another tribute to the Basil Fawlty definition of the bleedin’ obvious. Also, the EC President gleefully announced, they would “create a task-force” for specifically tackling the Greek economy, to which members of the EU and banks would be required to contribute funds. Yes, we all know that already – the British taxpayer and those of other Euro countries will be footing the bill for another huge bail-out, as per usual. What’s so new and unusual about that?

Finally the Greek Prime Minster George Papandreou spoke at the podium, airing such vague sound bytes as “achieving a sustainable path and debt management for Greece” and the wonderful assessment that “funding of the problem will mean less burden on the people of Greece”. Of course it will. It would mean less burden on the people of Britain if Britain was similarly funded, but we don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting it because the British taxpayer is still good for a few more years of milking in order to rescue foreigners from their own incompetence. (When foreign aid and benefits to immigrants are also considered, this seems to be our national hobby! Or have I got it wrong somewhere?)

 Mr. Papandreou concluded his sermon by saying he “welcomes programs abroad that mobilize funds in this direction” which will be “strengthening the Greek banking system” (English translation: “Thank’s for the dosh) and describing the bailing-out of toxic European economies as a “European Marshall Plan”, a reference to the European Recovery Program mounted for four years by the USA after World War 2 which cost the American economy $13 billion plus a further $12 billion in aid not included in the same plan but which was paid during the same period.

I have some urgent news for Mr. Papandreou – the USA is not going to fund the European financial crisis; they have immense budget problems of their own to cope with. The financial aid being mobilized for the Euro Plan must come from the Euro countries, including us here in Britain.

All you are doing, Van Rompuy, José Barroso and George Papandreou, is selling the same coconut backwards and forwards between you in the hope that one day it will be worth a fortune.