By Peter Mills. The Government will be presenting the Language Control Bill in the next session of Parliament as an integral plank in its platform of enforced social control for a fairer Britain.
This Bill is part of the Government’s major new strategy, the Fairer Use Controlled Knowledge In National Ethical Liberal Legislation (which, for convenience, will generally be referred to by the acronym formed from its initials).
The Bill is designed to remove the final vestiges of unacceptable traditional language from English.
The Bill, when passed as an Act of Parliament, will make the following linguistic changes compulsory.
(1) The New Zealand All Blacks rugby team will now be called the New Zealand Integrated rugby team.
(2) The drink made from mixing pale ale and stout, Black and Tan, will now be called Tan and Less Tanned.
(3) On the roads, black ice will now be called dark frosting.
(4) The delicacy black pudding will now be called disadvantaged pudding.
(5) The great plague of the Middle Ages will now be called the Pink Death.
(6) The heartland of the Industrial Revolution the Black Country will now be called the Sooty Country.
(7) The famous American hip-hop group the Black Eyed Peas will now be called the Bruised Eyed Peas.
(8) The children’s rhyme Baa baa black sheep will now be rewritten as Baa baa ethnic sheep.
(9) The popular Channel 4 comedy Black Books will now have its title changed to Non-Segregated Books.
(10) The Black Isle in Scotland will now be called the Enriched Isle.
(11) The Royal Highland Regiment will no longer be called the Black Watch but will, instead, be renamed the Police Watch.
(12) The Black Dyke Brass Band will change its name to the Multicultural Non-Committed Feminist Brass Band.
(13) Black Holes will be renamed HM Treasury Holes.
(14) London Black Cabs will be renamed London Burning Wrecks.
(15) The rare bird the Black-Tailed Godwit will be renamed the Inner-City-Tailed Non-Christian-Wit.
(16) The Little Black Book will be renamed the Little Equality Book.
(17) The Little Black Dress will be renamed the New School Uniform for over-twelves.
(18) The Guardian’s Middle East Editor Mr. Ian Black will be renamed Mr. Ian No-Border-Control.
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Fairgrounds dodgem cars to be banned on Health and Safety grounds according to a report on the radio a few days ago.
I will certaintly miss them and they were the highlight of our holiday – especially if the wife was in another car 🙂
Tom, I think the fact is…you can pay your hard-earned money to hire one of these `bumper cars` whenever you like – but the state decrees that you musn`t ever endanger yourself or others by actually enjoying `bumping` into other cars, oh no!…you must only go round and round in nice polite boringly safe little circles…round and round we go following our masters orders..round and round like well-mannered lifeless zombies, as in life.
Meanwhile, if you want to live dangerously, why not save your money and venture out for a walk/stroll in any one of our city streets day or night and soak up some of the enriching diversity our wonderful caring `patriotic` leaders have arranged for us true indigenous Brits to enjoy – one can get robbed/stabbed/raped/mugged/molested/hammered/shot/insulted etc etc etc – safe in the knowledge that all of this was specifically planned for us and is most certainly allowed, some say even encouraged, by the same wonderfully patriot leaders that we all know and love.
Fat lot of good banning dodgem cars for reasons of personal safety, when they refuse to ban dodgem people on the streets!